Edmund Bourne’s “Beyond Anxiety and Phobia” is a wonderful manual for those of you whose suffering comes in the form of anxiety. It talks about the core fears that are embedded in the personality of anxiety-prone people, beliefs that in a way precede experience.
Stuck Moods
It seems to me that one of the most important questions for those who suffer from chronic anxiety and depression is why they become chronic. Or another way of saying it is, what keeps these wild moods from arising and dissipating quickly?
If it’s true that one can define health at all levels as an integration of the parts, then the trouble with these moods is that they are dis-integrated from the rest of our selves, and from those around us (particularly with depression). So then therapy for these moods boils down to, in essence, integrating these standoffish moods back into the family of one’s thoughts and feelings, people and experience that make up the fullness of our lives.
But when you’re in it, you’re in it. The voice of depression and anxiety is that of despair and disbelief; when you’re overcome by them, you are feeling and thinking that you and the world don’t have what you need, that you can’t trust yourself or others, that there’s nothing that can be done to change your suffering. The more depressed and anxious you are, the more comprehensive these experiences.
There’s a quote that I haven’t been able to find, but I think it comes from Herman Hesse, which goes something like, “The greatest desire of Man is to forget.” With wild moods, this is true because a basic belief is that we don’t have what we need, and we just have to live with that. Whether that came from some kind of cultural philosophy, or trauma, or lack in one’s early childhood, the effects are the same: just get by, and try to be safe, or at least just hunker down so nothing dangerous sees you.
Finding Resources
In the late 1980’s, a psychologist named Francine Shapiro stumbled across the connection between what’s called “bi-lateral stimulation” and relief from trauma. Bi-lateral stimulation (BLS) is simply a term for stimulating the brain’s hemispheres by either moving the eyes back and forth, or tapping on the right and left sides of the body, in sequence. The name for the therapy that emerged out of this insight is Eye Movement Desensitization Routine (EMDR).
There are theories about why EMDR helps alleviate the symptoms of trauma-and the research at this point shows that it is in general very effective-but no one knows for sure why. Be that as it may, the effect is that the charge that is locked up in the memory of a trauma becomes discharged, and there is permanent healing.
Now, out of EMDR has emerged an elaboration of what is the first stage of the therapy, called “resource instillation,” a somewhat dry term to describe what’s essentially a re-learning of where you already feel good. This elaboration comes from the work of Dr. Laurel Parnell, who calls it “Resource Tapping” (from her new book, Tapping In).
Whereas EMDR needs a trained therapist to be effectively, and safely used, Resource Tapping is easily available and usable by anyone. It’s a way of consciously and systematically pushing back on the fragmenting quality of depression and anxiety, through using imagery and memory to call up the positive resources-joy, happiness, connectedness, safety, contentment-that are in you, but often difficult to find.
Connecting in to Resources
You can understand bi-lateral stimulation with the commonly used metaphor of a physical wound: BLS serves to clean out the wound, and to nurture the healing process. But if a body is to heal effectively, it needs to be nourished and supported-good food and water, and good relationships-and that’s what the resource tapping is there to do.
When you are feeling depressed, when depression is arising, it would be useful to tap into a feeling that you’re not, say, all alone. What resource tapping does is help find and strengthen your already existing sense, in this example, of connectedness. (I’ll give a sample of the way to do it below.) You recall an image/memory/person that conveys the sense of being in community, and then apply the BLS as you feel that sense in your body. Someone once used the metaphor of how metal is purified, where the metal is run through a ring of ultra-pure metal, which serves to pull the “impurities” and leaves the original metal stronger. The BLS seems to sort of gently shake the psyche into solidifying the place of these memories in the conscious mind.
Some people get hung up a bit on coming up with images or memories, feeling like there’s something artificial or forced. But what’s really happening is that you are simply finding existing triggers for existing states in your own mind. The image/memory is almost arbitrary; the important thing is that the trigger brings up the desired state. It’s really just a technique in managing one’s own self, like adjusting one’s body consciously to be more comfortable. Really. It’s about that simple.
Here’s an example: I was working with a client, doing EMDR, she came up with the image of a lizard as a soothing image (this historically was an important totem animal for her). This person was a bit skeptical about the process, but game enough. We weren’t sure if much happened, but a few day later I got this story: “I was walking along a street, and as I walked across the street, a car very nearly hit me, and then the guy yelled at me! Normally, it would have stuck with me all day, as fear and anger, which if I was already feeling low could have sent me into a depression. But what happened was that, almost immediately, the image of my lizard appeared and began stroking my hair, and I calmed down right there. And the upset didn’t carry on.” So even if you don’t believe the process, your system will actually respond as if you did.
An Example of the Process
I’ll end by giving an example from Dr. Parnell’s book on how you actually walk through Resource Tapping. I’d highly encourage it, and ask you to give yourself time to experiment (it’s not just a try it once sort of thing). For the project of re-integrating oneself in the face of the fragmenting effects of anxiety and depression, it’s remarkably useful. Really. And remember, the effectiveness comes when you can feel the desired state in your body, and then you apply the tapping. Wild moods cause your body to forget its resources, and tapping is a way to get the body to remember.
Here’s an appropriate one for the sense of being unsafe that comes with wild moods:
“Tapping in your inner Support Team” (from Parnell’s Tapping In)
Bring to mind someone you would like on your inner support team. It can be a friend, family member, partner, coach, or role model-someone you know personally or someone you have seen or read about.
As you bring this person to mind, feel his or her support for you.
When you can feel the support you get from him or her, begin to tap [I.e., the resource tapping].
Tap 6-12 times [right-left, right-left], and then stop and check in to see how you are feeling. If the positive feeling for you resource person is getting stronger, you can tap longer. [Stop if it starts feeling negative.]
Tap in as many supports as you would like. With each one you can feel the sense of support increasing.
Imagine yourself surrounded by you support team. You are in the center of a circle of support. Spend a moment and look at each one of your support people. Feel their support for you. Take it in; feel it as strongly as you can in your body.
Tap as you look at and take in the support from each one of your team members.
Now feel the combined support from your entire team. When you can strongly feel the sense of support in your body, begin to tap. Tap as long as it feels positive.
Imagine taking this feeling of support with you into your life. When you have an image or sense of doing this, tap to strengthen it.
Remember that your support team is always there. All you had to do is think of them and tap.
A number of people in my immediate circle are trying to tweak the Christmas holiday this year, away from commercialism and a lot of expectations, and towards something in their eyes more heartfelt and related. They are reacting to the ways they themselves have gotten overextended, and realizing that their desire to enjoy family and friends gets very strained by trying to meet all the pressures of the different holidays.
Some of you may thoroughly enjoy whichever holidays you’re celebrating. But for the rest of you, what follows are some thoughts and tips on how to keep the holidays actually life-affirming, and not bleak or depressing or, well, some form of a downer.
Don’t fight the system: Quite a few people over the years have told me how much they hate the holidays, especially for what they see as their commercialization. Yet it’s always seemed to me that this very hate has made them much more miserable, but a misery that seems to act for them as a badge of pride. I remember an image from the bombed out ruins of WWII London, with a couple dancing among the rubble. If the holidays feel like that kind of rubble to you, isn’t the best way to get back at it to rebel with joy? Which leads to…
Find your own joy: There are so many forms offered to you during the holiday season that are promised to bring you joy. Shopping-that’s a big one. Time with family, as if family per se brings happiness. Time with your partner, as if that’s bliss in and of itself. Eating. Drinking. Heavy partying. Or even heavy meditating. All these insistences about the way to be happy can be terribly distracting, unlike other, more workaday times of the year. One has to make a point of carving out time to look inward and see what it is that actuallyfeels good to do. Which leads to…
Avoid guilt: If your family is expecting you to show up at grandma’s, and yet your authentic desire is to spend time by yourself, you can expect some blowback. But try to avoid making yourself pay for your desire. Most families get nervous when their members start hoeing their own road-that’s just how it works if a pattern has been long established. Communicate to people who are upset that you’re not abandoning anyone (well, if that’s true), and will return at another point. People, ultimately, just want to know that they are safe and loved.
Avoid negativity: Especially if you are prone to wild moods, to upwelling of anxiety or depression, this is a time when you have to be extra careful not to get sucked down. The “ambient energy” of the holidays can be quite intense (I wonder what a meter would read in a pre-Christmas mall), and that can feed through a sensitive person like being plugged into the wall socket. If you are getting triggered by this energy, protect yourself by taking in lots of positive messages, from media and friends. Dumb, life-affirming films and books are great for this, as are asking close ones for hugs and direct affirmations.
Eat well and drink moderately: If your mind and body are already prone to wild moods, then supporting yourself amidst the wild energy of the holidays is very important. Enjoy food and drink, but keep an eye on the food pyramid…and don’t invert it. Keep balanced proteins and carbs as your base, good fats, and thenthe cake and cognac. If you don’t support your body, it’s not…well, you get the point. Oh, which leads to…
Keep exercising: See above.
Be kind: First and foremost to yourself. Holidays can trigger all kinds of feelings and thoughts about oneself: why am I not more successful, like cousin Tim? Why am I rich and unhappy, unlike cousin Hector? Why am I not happy like everyone else? Why am I not sad (like everyone else)? Why am I alone? Why can’t I tolerate being alone? Etc. Practice kindness with yourself, and then with others. As one of those cop shows used to say, when the captain was finishing his morning briefing, “Be safe out there.” Nothing makes you safer than self-kindness.
Moderate family: If family is triggering (very, very common), that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love them. But if the reality is that it’s overwhelming to have too much time with family, then titrate it in recognition that martyrdom doesn’t really serve you or them.
Judo-move family: By this, I don’t mean throw people around into the packages and food. I mean that if family is triggering, you can use your sojourn to the family doings as a laboratory to learn more clearly something about yourself (here’s the link to my article on the subject). Keep a journal, or bring a confidant with whom you can debrief. There’s much to be learned in the cauldron of family.
To summarize: be kind to yourself, pay attention to your genuine needs and desires, and if not overwhelming, see what you can learn from the season and holiday.
May your holidays be joyful,
Marty
“One of the major symptoms of depression is self-absorption. The depressed person thinks about how she feels a great deal, excessively so. Her low mood is not a fact of life, but is very salient to her. When she detects sadness, she ruminates about it, projecting it into the future and across all her activities, and this in turn increases her sadness. ‘Get in touch with your feelings,’ shout the self-esteem peddlers in our society. Our youth have absorbed this message, and believing it has produced a generation of narcissists whose major concern, not surprisingly, is with how they feel.
There was a cartoon that sticks in my memory from a bookstore I used to frequent. It showed an archetypally old man–wizened, bent, with warts on his nose and a cane by his bench–who was beaming at a flower that had grown up through a crack in the sidewalk. Around him were anonymous corporate buildings, and people passed by in their personal bubbles. But his attention was on the flower.
