A number of people in my immediate circle are trying to tweak the Christmas holiday this year, away from commercialism and a lot of expectations, and towards something in their eyes more heartfelt and related. They are reacting to the ways they themselves have gotten overextended, and realizing that their desire to enjoy family and friends gets very strained by trying to meet all the pressures of the different holidays.
Some of you may thoroughly enjoy whichever holidays you’re celebrating. But for the rest of you, what follows are some thoughts and tips on how to keep the holidays actually life-affirming, and not bleak or depressing or, well, some form of a downer.
Don’t fight the system: Quite a few people over the years have told me how much they hate the holidays, especially for what they see as their commercialization. Yet it’s always seemed to me that this very hate has made them much more miserable, but a misery that seems to act for them as a badge of pride. I remember an image from the bombed out ruins of WWII London, with a couple dancing among the rubble. If the holidays feel like that kind of rubble to you, isn’t the best way to get back at it to rebel with joy? Which leads to…
Find your own joy: There are so many forms offered to you during the holiday season that are promised to bring you joy. Shopping-that’s a big one. Time with family, as if family per se brings happiness. Time with your partner, as if that’s bliss in and of itself. Eating. Drinking. Heavy partying. Or even heavy meditating. All these insistences about the way to be happy can be terribly distracting, unlike other, more workaday times of the year. One has to make a point of carving out time to look inward and see what it is that actuallyfeels good to do. Which leads to…
Avoid guilt: If your family is expecting you to show up at grandma’s, and yet your authentic desire is to spend time by yourself, you can expect some blowback. But try to avoid making yourself pay for your desire. Most families get nervous when their members start hoeing their own road-that’s just how it works if a pattern has been long established. Communicate to people who are upset that you’re not abandoning anyone (well, if that’s true), and will return at another point. People, ultimately, just want to know that they are safe and loved.
Avoid negativity: Especially if you are prone to wild moods, to upwelling of anxiety or depression, this is a time when you have to be extra careful not to get sucked down. The “ambient energy” of the holidays can be quite intense (I wonder what a meter would read in a pre-Christmas mall), and that can feed through a sensitive person like being plugged into the wall socket. If you are getting triggered by this energy, protect yourself by taking in lots of positive messages, from media and friends. Dumb, life-affirming films and books are great for this, as are asking close ones for hugs and direct affirmations.
Eat well and drink moderately: If your mind and body are already prone to wild moods, then supporting yourself amidst the wild energy of the holidays is very important. Enjoy food and drink, but keep an eye on the food pyramid…and don’t invert it. Keep balanced proteins and carbs as your base, good fats, and thenthe cake and cognac. If you don’t support your body, it’s not…well, you get the point. Oh, which leads to…
Keep exercising: See above.
Be kind: First and foremost to yourself. Holidays can trigger all kinds of feelings and thoughts about oneself: why am I not more successful, like cousin Tim? Why am I rich and unhappy, unlike cousin Hector? Why am I not happy like everyone else? Why am I not sad (like everyone else)? Why am I alone? Why can’t I tolerate being alone? Etc. Practice kindness with yourself, and then with others. As one of those cop shows used to say, when the captain was finishing his morning briefing, “Be safe out there.” Nothing makes you safer than self-kindness.
Moderate family: If family is triggering (very, very common), that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love them. But if the reality is that it’s overwhelming to have too much time with family, then titrate it in recognition that martyrdom doesn’t really serve you or them.
Judo-move family: By this, I don’t mean throw people around into the packages and food. I mean that if family is triggering, you can use your sojourn to the family doings as a laboratory to learn more clearly something about yourself (here’s the link to my article on the subject). Keep a journal, or bring a confidant with whom you can debrief. There’s much to be learned in the cauldron of family.
To summarize: be kind to yourself, pay attention to your genuine needs and desires, and if not overwhelming, see what you can learn from the season and holiday.
May your holidays be joyful,
Marty
