How do I know when I need support?

Q: How do I know when it’s time to call for help from a friend?

A: Maybe the short answer goes like this: when you feel you need support, but determine that that support is not actually a crutch, then you call for help. That’s easy, eh?

A meditation teacher of mine sat on his simple seat, crosslegged, and looked down a few inches into my eyes as I lamented. “I’ve been doing this practice for a while now, and sometimes feel like I’m just struggling and fighting. How do I know what supports to allow?” He looked thoughtful for a little bit, then said, “Well, all of them.”

What he was saying was that if something is genuinely a support, something that actually lifts us at a time when otherwise we would sag, then to refuse it would simply be an act of un-humility. To not take in support is to basically just defend our sense of self:, either, “I’m stronger than that,” or, “I’m not worthy of that,” but both focusing on maintaining our familiar sense of I. In other words, we refuse to admit our real limitations and seek real help.

The teacher was also saying that, if something actually does not function as a support, if it makes us weaker rather than stronger, then it’s not actually a support anyway and should be rejected.

So if, as a result of introspection and discernment, the answer to “Do I need support” is yes, and the answer to “Is this friend supportive” is yes, then that’s when you reach out. This is not to diminish the complexity of why we choose to reject even genuine support, but it’s also important to clearly discern the difference between a real and counterfeit support.