July 2020 – Gratitude: The Whats and Hows (Depression Primer #1)

I’m going to start a run of articles, beginning with this newsletter, on basic tools and ideas related to healing depression (I’m holding here that “coping” or “managing” are not very meaningful if they’re not contributing to healing). It seems like a good time to review basics. So, this article will be about gratitude, what it is and how to engage it, and some suggestions about how to practice.

May you all be finding grounding, companionship, inspiration and wisdom during these turbulent times.

Gratitude: The Whats and Hows (Depression Primer #1)

What is gratitude?

Gratitude comes from Latin word gratus, meaning “pleasing, thankful”, and thus the expression of gratitude is an expression of a pleased (and pleasing) thankfulness. Robert Emmons, a gratitude researcher, breaks down what this actually implies (in “Why Gratitude Is Good”):

I see [gratitude] as a relationship-strengthening emotion because it requires us to see how we’ve been supported and affirmed by other people.

Indeed, this cuts to very heart of my definition of gratitude, which has two components. First, it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received. This doesn’t mean that life is perfect; it doesn’t ignore complaints, burdens, and hassles. But when we look at life as a whole, gratitude encourages us to identify some amount of goodness in our life.

The second part of gratitude is figuring out where that goodness comes from. We recognize the sources of this goodness as being outside of ourselves. It didn’t stem from anything we necessarily did ourselves in which we might take pride. We can appreciate positive traits in ourselves, but I think true gratitude involves a humble dependence on others: We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives. [Italics added]

So, when we are being grateful, and expressing gratitude, we are endorsing a reality in which goodness exists (without contradicting the reality of suffering), without that existence being dependent on just our selves (goodness is embedded in reality itself). To be thankful is to implicitly act out this reality, rather than the depressive one.

In contrast to the world of gratitude, the world of depression claims that reality is devoid of goodness, only suffering exists, and that we cannot reach out to any goodness, because it isn’t out there. Practicing gratitude, then, is a challenge to the logic of depression, at a fundamental level. When we feel gratitude, we are resonating with, and reproducing within ourselves, this experience of life as goodness that is accessible. That’s very important, because anything that contradicts depression’s world-building, like gratitude, is an anti-depressant.

How to do gratitude?

Emmons also gives a good how-to on the cultivation of gratitude (link), which makes the point that gratitude is a practice. This is also important, because if you are a person whose nervous system has been “practicing” depression for some time, then like any other habit, depression doesn’t change easily. I.e., depression is a kind of training, and thus, our systems inevitably need retraining (see my article here). That’s what gratitude as a practice is doing for the depressed person. It’s not just a rote formality, but a training to be able to, more and more, experience a world of accessible goodness.

Some particular ways to practice:

• When you feel the impulse to thank someone in your life, do it immediately. What I’ve noticed is that, when I’m paying attention, I’m experiencing a lot of small moments of noticing the goodness of others. Start with people close to you, and then move outwards. I.e., don’t ignore these appreciations, and voice them, as both relationship building, and gratitude training.

• When you see yourself doing something laudable, thank yourself on the spot. Depression particularly wants to undercut this with a lot of yes-buts. “You know, it could be done better.” Make a habit of thanking yourself as common as thanking others.

• Keep a gratitude journal. This is a classic technique, or regular practice in accessing gratitude. Try to plug it into already existing habits. Say, every time you eat your morning cereal, you write down one thing your grateful for.

• Consult someone wiser than yourself about why you should be grateful. Especially under the trance of depression, it is often hard to find gratitude. So ask a trusted friend, “What have I got to be grateful for?” (and then your responsibility is to actually take in what they say). Or, consult some version of your inner wisdom (could be a grandmother, could be a saint or teacher), and listen to them answer that question.

• Feel gratitude in your body. As ever, if the body doesn’t know something, then you don’t really know it. So as you are practicing gratitude, make sure it is not just rote. Feel the sense of gratitude in your body, however that shows up. Sensitize yourself to what gratitude actually, viscerally feels like, and then it will be easier to access. Again, training.